You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
