Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
