she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Randomize
