New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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