Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
