Everything about him screamed your future.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
