he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
