I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
