my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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