just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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