My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
