oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
They took my balls.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Randomize
