R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
