i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
