So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
