There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Randomize
