Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize