Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
