I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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