Are we in a gay sports bar?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize