My liver just broke up with me...
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
