honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
