He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
