i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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