Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize