I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I could make wine with my vomit
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
