we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Randomize
