We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
