You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
