I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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