Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
