I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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