What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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