i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i love accidental penises.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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