Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
