i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
