I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I didn't notice because vodka
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
