i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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