her vagina looked like bernie madoff
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
