You kept calling me your small dog last night.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
