see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
