Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
