Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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