Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
