i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I've blown a few things in my day
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
