I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
