You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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