Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
