So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
