She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
