Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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