Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
