I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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