well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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