I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
