zippers are such a cool invention
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
