Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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