we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
