her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
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