Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
