Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
