so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
