You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I am one with the molecules
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
