The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize