youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
even my farts smell like vagina
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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