Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
