Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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