woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
