Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I think I just shit out all my problems.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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