Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
