i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Randomize
