Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
