not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
